I am given two days off from “night duty” and tonight, will be my turn again. Actually, night duties are not a bad thing if Brian is not fussy. On normal peaceful days, you will only need to feed him twice in the night. I guess it depends on one’s luck.

After 3 weeks of c-sect wound site pain, I can now finally turn in bed and get out of bed without assistance this week. It’s such a torture that i would discourage people with low pain threshold to take up c-sect if they can help it. For the past 3 weeks, I had been going back to the gynae every single week to the point that he can even call my name without referring to the patient card.  I’ve heard comments that he has too many patients to get personal with them or even remember their names.

As the role of motherhood gets sunk in deeper this week, i started to realize that I am carrying a huge responsibility on my shoulders. Even though Brian is barely one month old, many things are revolving around  him. The number of different kind of vaccinations, life/hospital insurance etc are driving me to the wall.

The only thing that still haunt me are his cries. I had great difficulties deciphering what he wants when he suddenly wails out loud while minutes earlier he is asleep peacefully. Is it hungry? Is it a nightmare, or is it just purely boredom? There was one day where he cries every 5-10 minutes. Wow, really a GREAT test of my patience which usually doesn’t last more than 5 minutes. At times, the pacifier doesnt work and I have to resort to picking him up now and then. *perspire* – some newborns requires really great maintenance.

Now i know why some people like kids when those kids are not their own. It’s so different if that little kid belongs to you. There are nightmares which outsiders can’t see when it comes to taking care of them.

Yesterday, the in-laws moved the cot into my room and they told me to look after Brian tonight. This is the first time since I came back from the hospital that I get to look after him at night myself.

For the past 2 weeks, the in-laws had been taking turns to watch over the baby at night. Should i feel excited? NO. First of all, I had not been sleeping for more than 3 hours every night since I am back from the hospital.

The pain from the wound had been keeping me awake. Now that the wound had finally closed up and the dressing removed by the gynae, the pain still decides to linger on. Whenever the top of the panties slides down onto the wound, it will cause me to bite my teeth.

As I type this post this morning, all I can update is, I simply NEVER sleep last night. When i finally able to fall into a slumber, Brian decides to get my attention. I pulled myself up from bed with a make-shift string constructed by my in-laws to help myself up at night (i can’t use my abdominal muscles) and that’s the end of my sleep - a task which has never started anyway. After the first feed which lasted till 2.30am, I dragged Hubbie up to take over me from there.

I think they realized that it’s a bad decision as I ended up being all grouchy whole night/morning. I snapped at or ignore everyone that tries to strike a conversation with me.

A thought came into my mind. What have i gotten myself into? I realized I like kids, but not newborns. Crying is something not cheerful to one’s sleep and ears.

I can finally breathe a bit today. Yesterday afternoon, due to nose congestion, Brian woke and wailed every 5 mins in the afternoon.

I am glad we brought Brian to the PD (Dr Edmund Koh@ The family clinic) last night though the consultation cost us a bomb. Can you imagine, we paid $73 for a 10 min consultation plus 2 simple medicine?? Gosh. But a PD is much better than a GP. The GP that we saw did not dare to do anything special to the baby; however, the PD yesterday starts pumping and clearing Brian’s nose. At least Brian gets to sleep last night.

Hope his nose will get better each day.

In order to entertain Brian during the difficult times, MIL suggest buying some toys for him. This is the first time I bought toys for kids and we had a hard time buying the perfect one.

At his age now (2 weeks old), he still can’t really appreciate fanciful music and moving objects, but who cares. I am just following the care-taker’s instructions.

I am glad that i brought my laptop over to my in-laws place for the month of confinement. This little equipment really keeps me sane when times are bad.

These days, I could feel myself falling into cranky mood swings as my tears dropped easily like tap water whenever someone, especially my MIL, ask me to do something via my Hubby or when I just started hating how things are done here, all of a sudden.

Even after much coaxing and cuddles from Hubby, it just does not keep it in check. Things just get worse when Hubby has to leave to start preparing for work after 2 weeks of paid leave.

To add to the heavy package, Brian has not been sleeping well due to congestion of phlegm in his throat and a bit of stuffy nose. He cries and moan whenever he wakes up during the day. He was slightly better today after seeing the GP yesterday, but the bad days aren’t over as yet.

Up till now, i still feel alienated from Brian. I wonder how people bond with their kids once they are born. As i stare at him or feed him, questions start flooding my head. Is he my kid or my little brother? There’s a confusion here i guess. In reality I do have a brother who is 9 years younger than me. Perhaps motherhood has not quite sink into me yet. I am still living in the dreamland of couple-hood, still floating in another dimension.

So these are the ‘fun’ my bosses told me about when one has a kid, and it is very true that money starts rolling out instead of ‘in’ once a kid is born. I am getting the bitter side of things so far and i think it will take 10,000 or more aunties to convince me for a number two in the future.

The last thing I want is, for Brian to take after me when it comes to drinking milk. When i was a newborn, it took my mum forever to coax me to finish a bottle of milk. My mum used to lament about how she fell asleep while feeding me. It seems to me that nature has decided to take revenge on me.

Now Brian needs to be coaxed to drink his milk too! Goodness, can you imagine having the need to rotate Brian between me and hubby over a period of half hour? This is worst than digesting a long list of insurance quotes over a period of minutes! >_<

Brian loves to sleep once his lips touches the teat. And once he dozes off, there’s no way he will suck consistently. I am curious how the nurses at TMC managed to feed him so quickly. The pediatrician told us that nurses at TMC uses rubber teats, which we would had problems sterilizing it at high temperature-rubbers are not that high heat resistant and durable over a period of time than silicone ones.

All is not lost though. I used the time to capture a photo of a big feet versus a small feet How lovely they looked, hahhaa.